Navigating Marriage As A Mama
When I first met my husband it was love at first sight. Truly, genuinely, no questions asked- Love. At. First. Sight. As I approached Kokopelli music studios in the majestic mountains of Esparza, Costa Rica I was met with the sight of a beautiful man wearing a fringed black leather vest playing an electric guitar. I smiled at him, sat in front of the jacuzzi, and pulled out my sketchpad to work on a vertical mandala piece while I listened. Later that day he would lead my Australian friend and I through the forest to see monkeys and fruit trees, I would ask him about the portrait tattoo of his beautiful daughter, and he would kiss me on the cheek goodbye when it was time to leave. I told my friend later that night that I wanted to someday have his babies. I was completely serious, and here we are six and half years later with two beautiful children!
Our story is a special one. It is magical, whimsical, adventurous, but also incredibly painful and tumultuous. I could write an infinitely long novel on all of the things that we’ve experienced as a couple- but I’ll save you some time and give you the *extremely* condensed version. We met, we fell in love, we spent a couple years backpacking, camping, hiking, traveling, going to and performing in concerts, dancing, and creating in bliss. We lived together on and off in his apartment attached to a music studio in one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever had the blessing of calling home. It was at this point sometime in May or June when we discovered that I was pregnant. Upon this discovery I fainted- like actual lost consciousness, woke up on the floor of his shower, didn’t know what happened- fainted. In that moment my entire existence shifted and I began my evolution from maiden to mother.
I am writing this piece as a commentary on navigating marriage, not just sharing the lovely experiences I’ve shared with my husband. But I first wanted to give you some context into our beginning. When we first met we did not speak the same language and we lived in different countries. In addition to that we come from completely different cultures and there is a twenty year age difference between us, amongst other striking differences. But we made it work, and we’ve continued to make it work. We have overcome SO MUCH to get to where we are. Now, we have finally reached a state of stability. We share a home in Louisville, Kentucky. He works to support our family, I stay home to homeschool and care for our two daughters. We are building a home in Nicaragua. We are a team. But just because we are a team, does *not* mean that we don’t have our differences and our conflicts.
If you ask any married mama about her marriage she will agree with me that her relationship with her partner has its highs and lows. There are those blissful moments where you ask yourself if the moment is even real, and on the other side of the spectrum, there are the painful moments where you question every decision you’ve made up to that point. Relationships can be tricky to navigate because they are ever-evolving just like the people that make them. In reflection upon my marriage, there are a few things that I believe have been the foundation to us always “making it work” even when sometimes it feels impossible. Those things are: choosing love, patience, and acceptance, identifying your problems and taking responsibility for your shortcomings, committing to constant improvement, and nurturing your relationship. As I dive deeper into these concepts I’d like to emphasize the fact that I am still and always learning. I am so far from perfect. My relationship is so far from perfect. But I am truly happy in my marriage. I feel safe to be my imperfect self with all of my flaws and deeply rooted issues. I envision a future with my husband and our children. I want to grow and get better for them always. In saying that, let’s dive into the four foundational ways to nurture your marriage and make it work.
1. Choose Love, Patience, and Acceptance
The word “choose” is important here because every single decision we make and action we take is a CHOICE. We choose to respond or react. We choose to take some deep breaths or lose control. We choose to accept our partner as they are or search for their flaws. Until we acknowledge and accept the POWER OF OUR CHOICES, we will be a victim of circumstance not just in our relationships, but also our life. So what does it look like to choose love? Next time you find your partner’s dirty socks tucked somewhere that is certainly not the laundry basket, choose patience over annoyance. Next time your partner gets disproportionately frustrated over something that you can’t understand, choose acceptance over judgment. Next time your partner says something out of anger, choose love over reciprocated anger. “But that’s not fair” you might be thinking. Newsflash my friend, none of us are perfect. All of us have moments of breakdown. As humans, we all experience anger, impatience, negativity, fear, pain, etc. Your partner should support you through these moments, and you should support your partner equally. You get to decide the energy that you emit. You get to decide what kind of friend, mama, and wife you are.
2. Identify Your Problems, Take Responsibility
As I mentioned before, we all have our shit. Your past might include familial problems, abuse, addiction, abandonment, and any of the destructive ways you chose to cope with those issues. Whether or not you can identify with those specific problems, you certainly experienced some difficult experiences in life, and those difficult and sometimes even traumatic experiences leave an imprint on who we are as adults. They can affect how we show up for ourselves, our family, and our partners. It is so beneficial to identify your triggers, or the things that make you tick, so that you can investigate why those things create emotional and physical reactions in you, how you instinctually respond when faced with them, and how your reactions can then affect the people around you. When you are able to really evaluate all aspects of the situations and sensations that trigger you, you can then work to create positive coping skills to replace your previously used negative ones. Some positive coping skills that I personally employ when I am feeling triggered are: settling into my body and scanning to see how I am physically perceiving the situation and where I feel my responses, journaling on the thoughts and instincts I experience, talking about my reactions with my husband or mom, or having a conversation about any of those things with my therapist for further insight.
3. Commit to Constant Improvement
Yes, we should all accept ourselves. But in that state of acceptance we need not become complacent. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be a better person and there is everything right with showing up for yourself and embodying the highest version of you! This next bit of advice goes to all women, married or not. Every morning I have the practice of envisioning what the highest version of myself would do. How would I interact with my girls? How would I speak? What would I do? How would I interact with my husband? What would I eat? What energy would I bring into my day? You get the picture. I envision what the highest version of myself would do, I meditate on that energy, and I try to carry that energy throughout the day. Am I always successful? Hell no! But I try, and in being consistent with embodying the version of myself I want to be a little more every day, I am improving greatly in all aspects of my life. In terms of #wifeylife, some affirmations I carry into my day are: I am patient. I am supportive. I am caring. I am nurturing. I anticipate my husband’s needs. I appreciate my husband and all he does for me and for our family. I am grateful for my husband. My husband is sexy. I embody goddess energy in my relationship. I am cared for and supported. So on and so forth. Showing up for YOU, caring for your ENERGY, connecting with the best version of you there is will allow you to step into that ideal version of yourself for your husband, your family, and your life.
4. Nurture Your Relationship
This may be the most difficult to fulfill yet most important tip in our current state of society. It can feel so. dang. hard. to make time for the things we care about- including our marriage. We have work, school or daycare, sports practices, meets, clubs, work events, chores, kids, social events, fitness, etc. By the time we finally settle down and get some time with our partner, we are so exhausted that we can hardly stay awake enough to have a coherent conversation. This isn’t fair to ourselves, nor is it fair to our marriage. Think about it this way- would a plant grow if you planted a seed, took care of it for a couple of weeks and then ignored it? No, of course not! Unfortunately this is how many of us interact within our marriages. Our partner gets the last few crumbs of time and attention after we’ve spent all of our energy elsewhere. If we want healthy, fun, sexy, enjoyable, functional marriages, we must dedicate our time, love, attention, energy, and commitment to nurturing them. Check in with yourself and make sure that you are not simply going through the motions. Make time for and plan out fun dates. Think about what you used to enjoy before having kids and do more of that. Structure your days and spaces to support your relationship. It doesn’t always feel easy, but with the proper consciousness and planning it is more than possible!